An Unsent Letter — December 18th, 2018

Celeste, I love you but I have nothing to offer you

I have nothing to give you but the stones of emptiness
I have nothing to teach you but the lessons of darkness

It was a sin for me to love you
And it was a sin for me to accept your love

I cannot be your husband
I cannot be your lover

It’s not that I feel shame.
Or regret.
I have sinned yes.
But what of it?
Shall I apologize?
Why?
Let it be washed in the blood with all the others.
But leave us our love and the pain it means.

La dolor equisite.
The Scorsese film for this is The Age of Innocence.
I offer no synopsis
Because it is our synopsis.
The subject is ours
And it is the exquisite pain of wanting to be with someone knowing both that you cannot ever be together and that you are still going to try.
La dolor exquisite.

This is our suffering.
But that is all there has ever been.
Anyone who offers you something in life other than pain and suffering is selling you something.

But I have nothing to sell.
No false hope.
Nothing but the stones of emptiness
And the lessons of darkness.
La dolor exquisite.
And the beautiful suffering of our love

I hope you find a better love.
I hope it so desperately I can’t tell you.
I love you and I want what’s best for you.

If you wish to love me then will yourself to love yourself for me
If you wish to love me then will yourself to raise your son well
If you wish to love me then will yourself to create beautiful art
If you wish to love me then will yourself to live the life of a Godly woman

I have faith in you.
You are stronger than me.
I have been weakened by many wounds.
But you have strength enough for us both.
And your success is mine.
Your family is mine.
Your life is mine.
Your love is mine.

Take no thought for me
Or where I am

For lo, I am with you always, even into the end of the world.