Eulogy For Me — November 4th, 2019
I’m in love with a thirty-two-year-old married woman who lives in Salt Lake City Utah and has a three-year-old son.
Yes. I’m serious.
Can you believe that?
I can’t
Maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long to work up the words to try and begin talking about it
I thought maybe if I stripped it down to the bare minimum
Just the basic facts
Just to show you where it hurts
Then maybe I might have a shot at getting some of it down
But what the hell is a basic fact about a thing like that?
That I’ve known her for a year and a half and spent a total of less than two weeks actually seeing her in person?
That we met in a bookstore on June 6th, 2018, and fell in love at first sight?
That still fucks me up every time I think about it.
I just looked at her and I was in love with her.
It was so absurd that it took us both months to realize it had happened
But it did
I don’t even believe in things like that but it fucking happened
I don’t know how many conversations we’ve had.
We talked on the phone or on video calls for four or more hours dozens of times.
We sent each other hundreds of songs and poems and thousands of pictures
Our messages have been in texts. WhatsApp. Google Doc chats. Letters. Emails. We’ve sent books. And gifts. And movies. We’ve made movies. We’ve held hands in movies.
I’ve never seen her naked but I’ve dreamed of her hundreds of times
Maybe more I don’t know
It seems constant
I feel her with me all the time
I feel her sitting with me now as I type this
Even though I know she’s lying in bed with her husband right now
Maybe they’re having sex
Or maybe they just had sex
Or maybe they’re about to have sex
But I’m not
I’ve never had sex
And I think maybe that’s what’s killing me
That when a person feels this way about another person it’s healthy and natural to have sex with them
But we haven’t
Not only that but I have never had sex with anyone
So I can’t even imagine what it would be like
I have no idea what I’m missing
Which I suppose is a small mercy
Because if I did know I’d kill myself
The fact that she’s sleeping beside another man who’s child she’s raising is something that I can’t comprehend
What’s more, I think she’s seriously considering having another child with him
I can’t understand how she could do that
But I think she’s going to do it
And I think she’s afraid to tell me about it
I don’t want to break up their marriage
I don’t want her son to have divorced parents
I don’t want her husband to lose his wife
I don’t want them to not have another child because of me
I don’t want to commit any ugly sin
And yet
I am
And I have
And a large part of me wants to
I’ve tried to love her
Not to lust for her or selfishly try to keep her for myself
But to edify her life in some way
I know it’s easy to say I’ve made a lot of mistakes
But I’ve tried so hard to find something beautiful and healthy in this experience for both of us
Because at some level a person needs to believe that love can be beautiful and healthy not just endless painful damnation
And that’s all I’ve ever known of love
Just that awful infinite suffering
I’ve never found a way to turn my experience of shared romantic love into anything but pain
I love celeste
I’ve loved other women before her
But none of it has ever led to anything but suffering
And I don’t want it to be that way for she and I
I want my love to be a good thing
I want to be able to forgive myself for being able to love
I want to love
I want to live
I don’t want to hurt anyone with my love
She’s decided that she’s not going to talk to me so much anymore
She’s going to stay with her family, commit to her husband, and try to keep her marriage
And I know that that’s what’s right and best
And I love her enough to support her in that
But that means now that I have to go back to the dry desert place where that part of myself that loves must die
I’ve been there before
And each time another part of myself dies
I can feel it
And I can feel it’s going to happen again
And I’m afraid
I'm afraid of who I am
I’m afraid of who I’m going to become
I’m afraid of dying
It hurts so much
And it’s such a lonely thing
In the past when we’ve stopped talking she’s reached out to me and reopened the conversation
But that’s not what’s going to happen this time
This time she’s not going to say I love you again
She’s going to keep it to herself
And it’s going to die
And she’s going to love her husband
And her son
And she’s going to be okay
But I am going to be alone
In winter
At four o’clock in the morning
Laying on the floor of my apartment
Dying
So because of the fear and pain of death that I see looming in the coming dark
I want to use these last few hours of fading light to set down a few words about Celeste and I
And all that we entail
I’m not sure why
It seems pointless to me to try
There’s simply too much to tell
And no words in language to tell it
I suppose it’s just as well
No one remembers the dead anyway
It’s the living that matter
The dead know only one thing
It is better to be alive
She’ll be alive though
And her husband
And son
And her marriage
And family
And maybe that’s enough
I’ve had to go through this before and I’m sure I’ll have to go through it again
It’s hard but it’s nothing new
It’ll just be like Jesus at Gethsemane
Just an evening stroll out into the garden
To pray
And die
A good death
Which is more than most men get
It won’t be a wasted death if it wins her back for her family
So it’s peace then
The hour has come
My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Into thy hands, I commit my spirit
It is accomplished
