Longing — October 29th, 2018
Celeste,
I haven’t been writing to you because it’s not something I’m accustomed to doing, this whole thing of writing letters without sending them, but I just got back from the Austin film festival and I have been too busy to write anything and now I’m heading back to my apartment and I want to speak to you.
I saw that you saw my story on Instagram.
And I saw yours
I saw you smiling playing with your son
And then at the Sundance Resort.
I have so many questions
But I can’t ask them now.
One thing you didn’t see is that The Austin Public Library does not have a copy of The Book of Longing or The Flame on the self where they are supposed to be.
I looked up their call number and found the spot on the self where they were supposed to be and they weren’t there.
Which was fucking insufferable and I don’t know why.
But I guess it fits.
I opened your package.
I don't know if I told you about this yet but I was in the gym and then went to get my mail and when I opened it I read the entire book.
Straight goddamned through until morning.
I’ve never been given such a powerful gift by anyone.
I don’t know what else to say about it.
But I don’t have time to find words for it right now because I’m on the NJ Transit train to Penn Station and when I get there I’m going to go into my apartment and have to face that book again.
I read it and then went straight to the airport to catch my flight. I didn’t sleep at all I just read that book and all your notes then showered, packed, and went to Austin.
But now I’m back.
And I’ll have to face it without you.
And it’s going to be hard.
And I wanted you to know that.
And also I love you.
This will get easier for both of us.
But I suspect my darling it’ll be harder for you.
And that hurts me the most.
Knowing you’re struggling
And in pain.
And I can’t help you.
Anyway.
I guess that’s all.
I’ll probably be up all night
Because around 3 am I’ll check Spotify and all the old places we used to go to love each other.
And it’ll be a long night
But that’s nothing unusual.
I love you, Celeste.
Good night.
